Bruiser

This is the most awful piece of shit. Ever.

How's that for an opener?

Really though, Bruiser is worse than made-for-Showtime garbage and Sci-Fi channel originals. Worse than Hell Comes to Frogtown. Worse than Get Rich or Die Tryin'. Worse than Mac and Me. It bothered us that Bruiser wasn't coherent, stupidly violent, or interesting, but it insulted us that it was neither FUN nor fun to make fun of. I didn't even think such a thing was possible. The Cinema was dead silent for this one, and you know something is rotten when even we're not a-crackin' wise. I joked my way through a corpse's cunning linguistics, a school library one-man squeeze-off, and an entire Morrissey concert, but I spent my time with Bruiser dumbfounded and slack-jawed, all the while thinking, "Is that six-pound bag of pretzels really almost gone?" and "Is it eleven o'clock yet? Damn." Show me disgusting! depraved! shocking! but please don't show me boring.

This sure seemed like the perfect Cinema fodder. Guy wakes up with a mask instead of a face and lays down the law on those who've wronged him. Whoa. Neat, right? Let's see some revenge. Problem is he only offs three cats, and he kills 'em in the most mundane of ways: gunshots, sack of silverware to the dome, extension cord hanging. Laaaame. We kept thinking it would kick into gear, but it never ever did. I can't even figure out why in the hell he starts killing people in the first place. Is it because he doesn't have a face? That doesn't even make sense. He has a face, it's just sorta covered up. Now if he was invisible or marked for death, a killing spree I could understand. But this?!? Shouldn't there be some zombies or steel mills somewhere? This is a George A. Romero joint for Pete's sake!

At least we got to see the Misfits. Of course, it was the super-lame Mountain Dew Misfits instead of the super-cool Jagermeister Misfits. How much would it be to send this to Lodi, NJ? Express mail, please.

The final verdict: we used to suspect it, but now we're certain -- the only good thing about Big George is Tom Savini. Not even these awesome frames could change our minds.